beginning from the end

Setting yourself up for failure
I will get to the title of this blog in a minute..first i have to catch things up

I wanted to work yesterday but due to the fact i pigged out on LOTS of food over the weekend,lets just say that doing shows would have been a bad idea since i do anal in my shows. Without sounding gross,i didnt want to do shows and then..ehem..things become messy. I have some making up to do though..and lots of work to be done...do housework and laundry,wash my hair,do a new video and upload it THEN start work and shows. After im done recording this entry im gonna get started on that laundry...husband may not care for that since hes still half asleep but i cant wait until noon to get the ball rolling..too much to do..all of it will take too long.

I am happy to report most of my psychology books came in and i have already started reading them. YAY FOR LEARNING! Big shout out to amazon.com for being so cool as to list great books for cheap..im finding 200 dollar textbooks for 15 dollars or less on there and that just rocks. Ebay can suck it. 

Every morning i go onto the website i work and look at other girls in their chatrooms,trying to find a girl who is not only atractive but has severe game and is pulling shows..and im sad to say its REALLY hard to find such a girl..alot of girls are pretty but their game tactics are lame as hell. They are boring and some are even whiny or bitchy..so sad. 

Havent seen "r" on in about a week...he must be really busy.

Talked to a friend of mine "m" and the conversation turned a bit awkward...he has been going through a period of feeling VERY lonley and frustrated because he has a great job,lives in a beachhouse and yet no one to share all that goodness with..and during our conversation he kept dropping hints that he wanted me to be with him....AWKWARD ALERT! I politely informed him that i loved him as a buddy but didnt have feelings for him like that. Sucks to have to hurt someone like that but i would rather be honest then not say anything and let someone get ideas and feelings in their head and for both of those things to grow out of control. He is the second person to come forward and offer a place to be if i decided to leave my marriage..but,just like the first person "e" ,there are emotions involved and it would become uncomfortable and messy so its not an option for me at all. I am more of a loner type anyway...i like my privacy and space..i have never done the whole roommate thing nor do i think i would be good at it. Most people annoy the shit out of me. What can i say..im a crab ass old lady lol. Am i annoyed that the two people who have stepped up and offered a way out of my unhappiness unfortinately are wrapped around me? god yes...it IS annoying. Why is it that people i am not attracted to and dont feel a connection with get emotionally wrapped around me or try to wrap around me and the one person i feel a connection with.."r" ....he doesnt...i guess we are both damaged goods...ruined for love because its left such a bad taste in both our mouths.

Now lets get to the title of the blog.

My husband has big dreams of being a successful rock musician..he wants to be rich and famous and be on a stage somewhere and everywhere. Problem is,he has set himself up for failure in two ways 1) first off,basing his happiness on money...if he has alot hes happy..if hes not got alot hes depressed,cranky and upset and down on himself. If you have such a life where you have just enough to keep your head above water but not enough to save or play with,that means you will ALWAYS be upset,and he is. In my view,he should be grateful for what he has...a nice place to live,a car to drive,pretty wife...he doesnt look at any of that as a blessing...and therefore the blessings that come his way are few and far between. If you do not feel thankful for what you have then no more will come or very little. 2) The dream of being a rock star...he is only going halfway with me...guitars and equipment,good looks,knowledge about things...all check...but he isnt promoting himself in every way he can and getting a fan base nor selling merchndise..he is AWOL on the business end and so he is doomed to be a livingroom rock star forever if he doesnt take an active roll in getting his name out there. He could be the next steve vai but no one is ever going to know that so long as he plays alone in his livingroom and no one knows he exists. ...so....lets recap. He is one of those people that his happiness is based around money and he doesnt have alot most of the time and he has a dream he isnt going after which causes his depression..Double failure.

Meanwhile...on the wifes side of the fence

I am grateful for what i have and i have a dream now of being a psychologist...a career i can be proud of,away from the adult industry,and i can do what i love...HELP PEOPLE..money was not the driving factor for wanting to be a psychologist..i want to help people and i feel thats a good way to do it. I dont care if it takes all my life,im going for it.  If you have a dream and it matters to you then you find whatever way and means to bring it about..I am using every resourse..looking in thrift stores for psychology books..buying books off of amazon for much cheaper then ebay..im getting my education started. I am persuing my dream..i want to see its fruition. 

My huabands dream is not my dream nor do i know if his will ever come true...its not for me to decide. I have a dream that is mine and i have to go for it. His destiny is his own. You either talk the game or play the game...right now hes just talking. We will see what happens.

Rain rain everywhere

Wanna hear something funny?

I got put in the time out corner with my website..lol

I was doing a gold show,guys were being cheap so i whipped out my trusty toy and put it on my happy place to get them riled up (i kept things covered up) and BAM right after i completed a show they put me in the time out corner..i didnt even have time to answer all mail and send the free movie out to some people..oh well..around 4 pm today the time out will be over..its aggrivating though..i got shit to do...i lost a few hours of time i could have had to work..oh well...i will make it up..

It doesnt faze me. While i am waiting to be put back on i can make another video to sell to people,get stuff done,ect..i can easily fill up all that time waiting with needed things to be completed. 

I go on the website i work for and watch other girls to see if they come up with any ideas that i can use to put into my show. I am sorry to say i rarely see anything that impresses me or inspires me. Most of them are either pretty but boring...or bitchy...or are so out of shape and sloppy looking they have no business being on camera. The sad thing is is that the pretty ones have no presence or personality in their free chats..they just sit there,no smile,dont talk to people..and wonder why they arent making money..gee i wonder. I shake my head when i see a girl in her room and shes being downright rude to people. Thats kind of behavior isnt a money maker...unless you go into a private show and a guy asks for that. ...then its ok. I know its aggrivating to sit there and be nice and guys are so fucking cheap they want to wack off for free and not pay...its pretty lousy when you are a guy and you hop from one free chatroom to another looking for that girl whos doing more then shes supposed to just so you can get off for nothing..jesus...if you want to get off for free then go vist any free porn site or wack off to pictures...leave the girls alone trying to earn a paycheck. Trust me,that pisses me off..that guys do that..but theres nothing i can do about it. 

I try to do more solo shows then gold shows anymore..they pay better and its less aggrivation. Tonight might be an exception though..i might have to do all gold shows to catch up to where i should be since i got put in time out.

still waiting on my psychology books...ordered 6...none have shown up yet.

I hate journal entry titles
because i dont like trying to find a title that defines the entry...how am i gonna give a title when i havent even written anything yet?

what to say..hmm...too much to say and yet words run away from my mind when i sit down to type...aint that a bitch?

Well amazon has been my go-to place for psychology textbooks. Ebay is WAAAAY too expensive. I checked them both out...found 80-100$ textbooks for 10 bucks on amazon..bought 5 so far and plan to get more. YAY ME..soon i will start studying and learning alot, Cant wait for them to show up.

Work has been ok. I make a point to get away from gold shows and try to do as many solo shows as possible..more money..less hassle.  I have alot of work to do today..Gonna spend alot of time on camera today and tonight..i would like a 400 or better paycheck this week to completely catch things up..i only have 133 dollars and im seriously in the hole with my goal amount because i only have today and tomorrow to make it..we will see

I am pretty proud of myself,staying away from WOW and trying to focus and get things done that need to get done. I cant get into WOW like i used to..im too busy with real life. 

LOL..i dont have a degree in psychology yet and already i have patients..my good friends..lol....i spent at least two hours on the phone counceling two different friends of mine..ran out my battery to zero with both..I love my friends.and i was happy to be there for them.

I look in the mirror now and see my REAL self appearing there...the beautiful bookworm nerd..the intellectual..the one who is most at home in a library,someplace quiet and focused. 

Talked to " R" two days ago,and he shocked me..he told me he and his wife were getting divorced..and thats been in the works since june=july..Why he didnt tell me sooner i dont know. We both have alot of healing,changing and growing to do. I do wonder,due to my intense connection with  R  if we are one day going to end up together but time will only tell..im not ready for his world or him right now anyway,and truth be told,hes not ready for me..at all. I know hes going to be mr playful with the ladies once the divorce is final..i just hope and pray that he doesnt get lost in playing so much that he misses out on the precious love of one person..i would hate to think of him all alone in life later. 

There is alot of work to do..i must go..

Happy turkey day
Incense lit...check

candle burning...check.


Happy turkey day. Its a beautiful day in california..sunny and actually warm. I am indoors,sitting here blogging while i can before i head off to take a shower and prepare for work later. I worked last night and did the best i could. logged on around 3 and didnt quit till 9 pm..and it was hard..all due to it being thanksgiving eve. I have no idea how it will be tonight...will have to wait and see. 

I did some serious cleaning yesterday of the bedroom closet..had to. SNOW,my cat, likes to sleep in the closet but also has a habit of puking on the floor in the closet as well..damn cat..i love her to death but she eats more with her eyes then her stomach..meaning.she overeats and then gets sick as a result. I put an end to that recently by only giving her small amounts of food little by little spread out over the day rather then letting her have the whole can of food at once(and her pigging out and getting sick,which does her absolutely no good)

anyway...back to the closet...

I cleaned the floor and saw snow had also destroyed two pairs of my husbands shoes by using them as a scratching post..she also destroyed two pairs of mine for the same reason. I see a plastic bin for shoes in the near future so that wont happen again.

I am pretty proud of myself. These days im staying more off of WOW and getting more done. WOW is now something i just do in the morning if i get up and husband is still fast sleep and i need something to do thats quiet. Once hes up i can do noisy things like  laundry and such and get work done. 

Its funny how life is..how it is when you are wrapped up in nothing that you think theres nothing to do until you wake up and realise theres EVERYTHING to do and you wish for 12 more hours in the day to get it all done. Ever since my boss turned me on to doing one on one shows that arent nearly as taxing on the body i stay online more now and make more money..and i have to work a little harder to do everything i need to do before and after that work is over. My time,my energy..all valuable commodities now. I have no time for cheap asses on my site. How guys can come onto my site and not spend money and just look for girls doing something to jerk off to for free is beyond me.. How rude. Good god man...just go to some free porn site with pics and video and the girls arent live and jerk it there,dont bother ladies trying to make a paycheck and be a bottom feeding goofball. 

I was very concerned last night. So few people in my room. I wondered if something was wrong with my video feed until i was clued in it was thanksgiving eve and that was what was going on. Thats ok..last night i was so worried..didnt think i would have my rent for the month..then i remembered this weeks paycheck and combined with what i have left,im good..i could not work tonight and tomorrow and still be good but i want to have as much in my pocket as possible so onward we push...maybe i can clear quite a bit tonight and tomorrow. 

im out...i need a shower and get more stuff done.

The sleeper awakens
Sunday,busy sunday.

Been up since 8 am getting things done...everything from tons of housework to working on completing my website and putting all nessesary components in place so it would get published and go live. I had part of one website done and decided to completely redo it and give it a new feel,so i did. Now its there for all the world to see,good or bad. Honestly,if anyone hates it or has anything bad to say about it i truly dont care. I am happy with the final result. Its not too fancy,and theres only so much i could do with it but hey..it was a free site so i really cant complain too terribly much. I made the most of what was there. I made and linked up facebook,twitter,and myspace pages to it...once you publish a site you cant go back and add stuff so its wise to put anything important up before you click the PUBLISH/GO LIVE button. For anyone wanting or needing a free simple do it yourself site heres the website i used


Now that the website is done all i have to go is keep up with the corresponding social media networking pages.updating blogs and such

the website address is


A long time ago i lost my voice. It got lost in a mountain of frustration,pain,anger,rage,hurt and sadness,disappearing in mounds of dirty dishes,dirty clothes,and tears from a heart that never got to heal. I have gone mostly through life not realising how much i am truly worth to myself or to this world....and not realising it was ok to speak up,to dream,and to go after those dreams. I never let myself dream. I have been through so much already that i didnt want to add lost hopes and dreams to the pile and count them as just one more thing that i never got to have. Here i am,41 years old,.about to be 42,and i am awake and i have found that lost voice. It was hiding but not dead. I know now that i am worth something and i have alot to offer this world.  Two promises i have made..one to myself,the other to another beloved person. To myself i promise that the life im leading i will contnue to change for the better until every aspect that makes me unhappy is no more and i am left with a life that is full of one happiness after another. The promise i have made to the other person..someone i know...someone i hold dear...my promise is this..that one day he and i will stand face to face again,not seperated by miles or streaches of land between us. I will look into his beautiful soulful deep eyes and smile..because i was able to keep my promise to him...and because i know that when that promise is fullfilled i will have grown in many many ways..the positive change will seep into every corner and crevice of myself...filtering onto every layer,making each one fertile with love and happiness. 

I have seen in dreams and in my mind what i am supposed to be and i am following that blessed reflection. I cant see every detail..that vision..it plays hide and seek with me..i get brief flashes,nothing more..just enough to keep me going and get clues about which direction im supposed to go. 

There is much work to be done but i am ready for it. I know what i have to do. I have recently figured out something important thanks to the help of my boss. Recently i went to my boss,full of frustration,anger,and sore as hell since the shows i do are pretty much gonzo,balls to the wall,150 mile an hour shows..doing shows like that,intense and crazy will wear out your body,especially the delicate parts..boy,they REALLY hurt afterwards. I couldnt take it anymore..something had to give. I was so mad..i couldnt figure out what was wrong..why was it that i was doing great shows and not making jack for it? He showed me a girl who wasnt doing nearly as much as i was and wasnt nearly as good looking..and she was making bank. Why? Cause she wasnt catering the the cheap asses who wanted everything for nothing..she wasnt letting all the assholes with no money run her ragged and come into her room,jerk off for free and leave. Nope..and for that i give her props. Thats been my problem...so worried about making people happy and getting good reviews that i gave too much away for free..and i dealt with the no money fools as a result. Not knowing that i was worth more and i could do better hurt me alot..but not anymore. I changed things up and started making alot more money and not killing my body while doing it..and i was amazed how much better i was doing and how much easier things were.

I still love WOW but i dont stay online playing all day now. I read,i get things done..WOW is something i just do in the morning while husband is asleep and im waiting for him to wake up so i can get things done.  

Tug of War with the heart..the push pull theory
Why is it that when you love with your heart and arms wide open sometimes those you try to give love to ignore you and neglect you...until you pull away and then they start showing it back?

What IS that?

It never fails.You give and give and give of yourself until on the inside you feel bled dry and when you cant give anymore you turn away...and then that other person feels you trying to break the hold and they come running after you,

Too little too late.

By the time the emotionally blissfully ignorant one feels the sharp tug on that rope the loving heart has turned in a different direction and cant be coaxed back. An " I am sorry" cant erase a million tears that were shed alone in the dark..cant remove the memory of days and hours spent in sadness for wanting something that was never given. 

I grew up with a father who was there physically but not emotionally. He was cold..and i always felt like he didnt want me around. I never went to my dad for anything..never asked for anything. Where other little girls had dads that they could run to and feel safe i never had that feeling. He did only what he had to do...shelter,food..the basics...but i never felt his love. As far as i knew he hated me..and when i turned 18 i moved out..and thats when all of a sudden he wanted a father/daughter relationship..but it was too late. Pissed me off really. I was in his house for 18 years,growing up,needing his love and guidance and he never gave it...and then when im an adult and i dont need him then he wants to have a daughter. Too late..he didnt show me love when i needed it..didnt cultivate a father/daughter relationship bond with me and was is no closeness to be had. 

I will always say my dad was the first man to ever leave me..because its true..he was..

Here i am again This time,married..married to man whom i thought would be a great husband. I changed my whole world to be with him..moved 3000 plus miles from one side of the coast to the other..gave up all the security i had and i knew to be by his side..and the happiness i had hoped for a lifetime didnt last a year. Things fell apart very quickly and he distanced himself from me. Over the course of the 4 years that we have been together i havent stepped out on him. I have been faithful.loving..doing all that a wife is supposed to do...clean house,work,blah blah..but my husband has big dreams of being a rock star and he already has the rock star mentality without actually being one. I got married thinking that i would get all that would make me happy..love,romance..passion...i got none of those..Do you know what my husband told me? He said he couldnt give me any of those until he was a big rock star standing on a stage...and since he isnt anywhere close to being famous,well...i dont think i will be getting what i need to be a happy wife. 4years of waiting...crying..hurting...and guess what..that dam finally broke. Something in me just snapped. Why should i cry over someone who would never cry over me.? Hes in my heart..i let him in.. Many moons ago a friend offered me to come stay with them if i wanted to end the marriage but i couldnt go. Call me silly,but i couldnt bear to never see my husbands smile again..to know he was giving that smile to someone else. I stayed because of that smile..because i still loved him and couldnt let go..I have never felt i was in his heart though. I have always felt he kept he outside of it and 6 feet away. Plus...the attiude...the rock star attiude..the one of " If you stay or go it doesnt matter to me" ...yeah..he has that. 

When you are in a relationship with a emotionally selfish person dynamite comes in the form of the moment you wake up and realise how unhappy you are...how truly sad..and its not going away. When that moment comes the giver doesnt want to give anymore... getting pissed off and angry inside of the taker taking...and precious,simple requests for love and passion being ignored. The giver sees the rope around their waist and start undoing the knot..and the taker feels the motions,,,feels the tugs and jerks and becomes alerted...and THEN they act. Suddenly the lonley heart finally hears soft nice words and  feels the lovers touch..the touch that was held away for so long..but wait..whats this? The giver doesnt want it anymore..doesnt long for it anymore..doesnt feel warmth or love for the taker. Its done..Too late to say im sorry...forgive me. Whatever sincere word or gesture of love or kindness that would have healed the wound has come after the wound has already closed up and healed itself. Last ditch efforts mean nothing now because thats just what they are..last ditch efforts...very little emotion and sincerity contained within the effort.

I look at my husband and i am not in love with him. It took 4 years but that love i had died a slow and painful death. What i need and want he cannot give me. Its not within him. I know he feels the change..the emotional shift of me pulling back..and he is pulling on me now..but its too late. I needed him then. I needed him the last 4 years. He wasnt there. Hes a good man hes just not good for me...i need more then hes giving me..more love and passion..love and passion that i dont have to wait until hes famous to give me.. I have dreams..i must follow them. I am sorry he wont be with me but its a path hes not supposed to go.

The rope between is is getting weaker and weaker. There will be a day when that rope will be gone for good. for now..its there..but barely

Beginning from the end
Every beginning of something starts with the end of something else.

So it is with this journal/blog.

Sucks to be a writer,have the talent to write,and yet be so hyper about putting out thoughts and emotions other people can read that you dont use your talent. Any writer worth a damn has a trash can full of balled up pieces of paper that contain pieces of incomplete thought and expression..and the fact they were just brilliant pieces that had no match caused them to be discarded. You write and you pray while writing that you get a sentence of inspiration which leads to a paragraph of genuis that leads into a story or poem that comes together on paper the way you see it in your mind. Only 1 out of 50 tries becomes that desired thing...and the rest..well...49 pieces of balled up frustrated for the trash.

Thats one of my biggest curses..being a writer.Well that and being too insecure to put something down on paper for others to read. Always i had the thought that the world had enough writers and books in it..everybody and their mother is a writer now..everybody writing a book.Who needs one more writer in this world?  Well,i was given this gift/curse of expression and so i can only conclude it was because i was supposed to use it  and therefore not using it is not doing me any sort of good. I have the power to understand words and expressions,put them together,and perhaps teach and reach others and so i shall.

What do you need to know about me reader? Are you curious who is behind the keyboard,typing typing typing all this stuff up? Of course you are..its human nature to wonder. I will tell you what you need to know and what you should know and nothing furthur. This journal,believe it or not,is my beginning from the end..part of a project i am putting together to start my life over. Everybody has a story to tell...mine is a little more extreme then others. Over 10 plus years ago i was involved in the adult industry and did stuff in that forum..and my life hasnt been the same since. Had i known then what i have come to realise now i would have never done things that continue to haunt me to this day. ..Some people do things in their lifetime that get forgotten about and swept under a rug..i do not have such a luxury..my mistake is in print..movies..pictures. and they will be around forever.If there was any price to be paid for being part of the adult industry i have paid it a hundred times over...and i havent stopped yet.I did nothing to hurt anyone in my life..although many things have been done to hurt me..that was just one of the bigger ones.

I dont think its fair that i as a person have to be defined or pay for 5 years of my life that happened so long ago so this is why i am beginning from the end. No,ayla rose is not my real name. Its one i made up. I plan on changing my name though to help distance  myself from the painful reminders of that time and that time in the industry that strangers would judge me wrongly over and over for. Everything about me will be changed...nothing from the past will remain. Nothing from the past CAN remain or else it would ruin what i plan on doing. Lots and lots of work ahead of me. 

Its a beautiful california day today...hot and bright. I should be outside at the beach but i choose to stay inside and work on my projects and do research. Spend my time wisely. 

More later

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